That Helpless Place

If you're a Facebook Friend, you may have read my status yesterday afternoon: 

Do u ever have days when u just feel so helpless u dont know what to do w/ yourself?

I'm having one of those days today.

Tune into the blog tomorrow for a full recap of my journey into the helpless place.

I wont be here for long, though.

I'm going to grab this situation with both hands & figure out how address it.

I don't generally like to post comments that could mean a hundred different things, but in the moment I had to have an outlet and Facebook is a pretty good place to direct your frustrations.  I guess it's kind of like a diary, in that respect.  A diary you share with hundreds of people.

Anyhoo, here's where my helpless feeling came from.  I had gotten to school early, as always, to get in the car rider line.  For the first time this year (that I can recall) I spotted Patty on the playground with the Kindergarten classes.  So, I stopped the car and watched for a minute.  Then I pulled into the line, parked, and got out to watch a little longer.

It was just devastating to see Patty playing.  For a regular family, I'm guessing, recess time would just be a fun event.  But, for me, I just stood there and tried not to cry.  As I watched, it seemed to me that Patty was just wandering around out there.  All by herself. 

The other kids, of course, were playing together on the jungle gym or the swings or playing chase or what ever game they had come up with.  I did see Patty try to join a group that looked to be playing tag or something.  But, it only lasted a split second.  Quickly she was back to running around the tree and the picnic table.  I saw her trying to reach the leaves of the tree.  I saw her sit down at the picnic table.  Not one time did I see another child approach her or pay her any attention. 

At the beginning of Kindergarten, Casey and I met with the teachers, and the autism unit was brought up.  We explained that we know what autism is and we don't feel like our daughter has it.  Yes, we know there are varying degrees of autism.  And that's when someone said, "Patty could be a leader for the other kids (with autism)."

Well, if my child can be a leader for children with autism, why can't the non-disabled peers in my daughters class be leaders for her?  I know it's a lot to expect out of Kindergarteners.  But, I believe with a little guidance, even a Kindergartener can learn to have compassion for the kids that are just a little bit different from everyone else.  And if you don't start teaching them about compassion in Kindergarten, when are they going to learn it?

Sometimes the simplest things are the most unsatisfying.  I got back in my car and picked up the phone.  My first call was to Vandy.  I got a call back pretty quickly, was given another number to call.  And then several other numbers.  I called our advocate and left a message.  I called OT at Madisonville to see if they had any knowledge of support groups in our county.  I got directed to a Facebook page, and am waiting for a response. 

This is how I am handling the helpless feeling.  Actions speak louder than words, right?